


The Slow Progression of Wanting

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Cuddling & Snuggling, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Multi, Mutual Pining, Romance, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 18:10:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6205444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone in the Resistance seems to assume that Finn wants either Rey or Poe, with the only question being which one. Though Finn slowly comes to realize that he does want them, he doesn't want them in the way that people seem to think he should. He thinks there must be something wrong with him. (asexual!Finn)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Slow Progression of Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this kink meme prompt](http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/2821.html?thread=5274117#cmt5274117): The First Order was very open about sex and sexual desires. If people wanted to do things, they could, but attachments, cuddling, romance was strictly forbidden. Finn went along with some of the sexual things, but never felt right and always questioned the desires he had. Now that he's out, some well-meaning soul thinks he must be sexually repressed. Show me how Finn learns that it's not sex he wants, but romance, contact, touch, all of that. I just want happy, glowing, Ace!Finn who has accepting partner(s) who love him.

Finn had had sex before.

Most people in the Resistance seemed to assume otherwise, but Finn had had sex. The First Order didn’t discourage fraternization. In fact they believed it helped prevent distractions and assisted the ranks in maintaining optimal performance. 

What wasn’t allowed was the formation of attachments. You could fuck someone. You just couldn’t love them.

Romance was a term Finn had learned largely from holofilms and through observation of the Resistance. The act of clasping someone’s hand, kissing them on the cheek, giving them small gifts… all of these were concepts Finn was unfamiliar with. (Though he’d caught on to the hand-holding quickly, admittedly. At least when there was the excuse of danger.)

He knew how to bring someone off. He didn’t know how to make them smile afterwards.

Sex was a pleasurable act… or so it appeared to be for others. Finn was more dubious of the concept. In his experience it had generally seemed to consist of grunting and off-putting exchanges of bodily fluids, strange faces and stranger smells. He had sometimes wondered if he was doing something wrong, though his partners had never complained. 

Finn was glad that in the Resistance, no one expected him to couple with them. It was easier to let them think he didn’t know what he was doing than to have to pretend he wanted to. 

His body had always belonged to the First Order. Now that it belonged to him, he preferred not to give it away.

-

“They’re cute, right?” Jess asked, unceremoniously plopping down next to Finn where he was seated on a hill with a view of the tarmac, watching Poe and Rey work on the _Millennium Falcon._

Or at least, ostensibly that’s what they were doing. From here it seemed more like they were bickering back and forth, only the way Rey kept hiding a smile and Poe kept sneaking grins at BB-8 indicating that it was all in good fun. Chewbacca had long since abandoned them for the interior of the ship.

“Sure,” Finn said. He thought Rey was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, definitely, and Poe was the sort of handsome that made a person question their sexuality. That is, Finn assumed so. He wasn’t entirely sure what his sexuality actually was, but he could appreciate attractiveness, anyway.

“Rey? Or Poe?”

“Sorry?”

Jess knocked her shoulder against Finn’s. “Point of contention, that’s all. You’re the new guy, people talk.”

“About…?”

“You and Rey, or you and Poe.”

Finn wondered if this was better or worse than his companions shoving him into utility closets for quick fumbles he didn’t particularly want. “Both? Neither?”

Jess laughed. “Let me guess, the First Order doesn’t do relationships?”

That was true, even if Finn didn’t think Jess meant it exactly that way. “Not really.”

“Well, let me tell you, you can take your pick.” She paused. “Or have both, probably.”

Rey was batting Poe’s hand away from a side panel, a familiar scowl on her face, while Poe just laughed. Something in the _Falcon_ was sparking. BB-8 made a sound that was remarkably reminiscent of R2-D2 as he rolled in an anxious arc around Poe’s feet, as if to protect him in case something blew up.

“Right,” Finn said. 

-

“Hey,” Poe said once, the two of them sitting on Poe’s bed with their datapads. “I hope the pilots aren’t bothering you.”

Finn looked over at him. “The pilots?”

“You know, Jess, and Snap, and the rest. They… they mean well. But you can tell them to frag off.”

“If they’re bothering me?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re not bothering me.”

Poe seemed doubtful. “Really?”

They weren’t a bother, not exactly. They were overly interested in the status of Finn’s love life, certainly, and seemed intent on matchmaking, but they weren’t a bother. It was sort of refreshing to be around people who actually cared about him, regardless of whether or not he appreciated the meddling. “I know they’re only curious. And, like you said. They mean well.”

“Okay. It’s, uh… It’s just… They think you’re repressed,” Poe mumbled in a rush.

“Repressed?”

“You know. Sexually.”

Finn snorted.

A confused crease formed between Poe’s eyes.

Finn wasn’t sure how to explain, or even if he could. All he said was, “You can tell them I’m fine. I’m not… not interested. At least, for the moment.” He thought he might be blushing. That was stupid.

Poe had drawn subtly back on the bed, closing in on himself, but he relaxed slightly at Finn’s last comment. “All right. Good.”

There was something like hope in Poe’s face.

Finn wondered if he’d made a mistake.

-

In the First Order Finn hadn’t been allowed to want things. Now that he could, he didn’t want the things that people seemed to think he should want. They all thought he should want Poe. Everyone wanted Poe. Poe wanted Finn.

But Finn didn’t want Poe. 

Finn liked looking at Poe. He admired the pleasing symmetry of Poe’s features and his friendly, generous personality. Finn admired Poe’s leadership and bravery and his skill as a pilot and a mechanic. Finn enjoyed spending time with Poe, being close to him, but he didn’t _want_ Poe. Not in the way people thought he should.

So maybe that meant Finn simply wasn’t interested in men. 

Except he didn’t want Rey, either.

Finn liked looking at Rey as much as he did Poe, because she was just as pretty. He liked the sound of her laugh and her mouth when she smiled, and the way she looked soft even though she was anything but. He admired her strength and warmth, the way she hadn’t let the life she’d lived conquer her or diminish her spirit. Poe might have been the first friend Finn had ever made but Rey was the one who had made him want to be a better person, who had believed in him. He loved her, but he didn’t desire her.

In the First Order, Finn had had sex with both men and women. All encounters had been equally uncomfortable. Logically he thought that should have been only because he hadn’t cared for his partners. Maybe sex was better enjoyed with people you were fond of.

Only, if that were the case, he should want to have sex with Poe or Rey.

But he didn’t.

He thought maybe there was something wrong with him. 

-

Since leaving Jakku, Rey had fallen in love with growing things. Finn still remembered her awed wonder at seeing the beauty of Takodana, and her fondness for green must have started then. In her quarters on the base she had a little homemade greenhouse where she grew flowers, pretty and brightly colored. Rey tended to her plants with loving care, coaxing them from tiny seedlings into beautiful blooms.

Her smile when she looked at her precious charges was one of Finn’s favorite things.

He was watching her carefully prune them, removing a few thin stems and a wilted leaf, when she clipped off a bloom and turned towards him. 

“Here,” she said, and tucked the flower behind his ear. “Lovely.”

“I’m not Poe,” Finn complained. “He likes it when you dress him up in flower crowns.”

Rey laughed. “Poe just likes making people happy, I think.”

“I like making you happy,” Finn said, not entirely sure why he’d said it out loud. Embarrassing.

But Rey was smiling, and she leaned in to kiss Finn on the mouth, warm and gentle. It lasted hardly any time at all and she was still smiling when she pulled back. “I’ll cut one for Poe, too,” she said, and went back to her flowers like nothing had happened.

Finn raised his hand and touched his mouth, still feeling the ghost of Rey’s kiss. It felt like something warm and bright was growing in his chest, blooming there like one of Rey’s flowers.

It felt like desire.

-

Finn thought about that kiss a lot afterwards. He had had sex before but that had been his first kiss. Kissing had been discouraged in the First Order, considered an unnecessary indulgence that wasn’t required for the satiation of physical needs.

Finn had liked it. He had liked kissing Rey. He had liked the way her slender body felt against his, the softness of her lips. The closeness. Most of all he’d liked that, the feeling of being close to her.

He wondered if that meant he did actually want her, after all.

But then he thought of kissing in the holofilms, the way it built to something, the way it led to the inevitable removal of clothing and then to rutting. That wasn’t what he wanted. Not even with Rey.

It almost churned his stomach, thinking of it. Thinking of having to pretend, to fake enjoyment, and then having to look Rey in the face.

That was the worst part. How could he ruin what they had by indulging a desire he didn’t even have, forcing himself to associate her with that uncomfortableness? 

Finn had no pleasant memories of his sexual encounters. He remembered only his longing to be somewhere else, to be doing something else. He remembered his discomfort, the awkwardness, the sticky bodies of his companions and their too hot breath.

He didn’t want to look at Rey and think of that.

-

Plans had a tendency of falling through in the Resistance. Too many last minute schedule changes, or new intel arising that created new missions, or just the general chaos that came from trying to win a war. So while Finn was disappointed they’d had to postpone holofilm night because Rey had been called away, he wasn’t exactly surprised.

Sitting on Poe’s bed reading holonovels wasn’t such a bad way to spend the evening, anyway. 

They often ended up on Poe’s bed. Finn liked the sensation of being near Poe, and Poe never objected. Currently Finn had his back against the wall as he sat upright, with Poe sprawled lengthwise, leaning on an elbow, his legs fitting beneath Finn’s bent knees.

Finn laughed at a particularly overwrought bit of dialogue, which he doubted was the reaction he was supposed to have. When he noticed Poe looking at him, he said, “What?”

“Nothing,” Poe said, though he maneuvered himself until he was next to Finn, looking over his shoulder at Finn’s holonovel. “Just wondering what’s so funny. I thought that one’s supposed to be depressing?”

“Depressingly bad, maybe.”

“Mmm, I see what you mean,” Poe said after a few seconds.

“I hope yours is better.”

Poe shrugged. “Want to see for yourself? Or we could do something else.”

Finn turned his head slightly so he could see Poe better. Poe hadn’t moved, was still leaning into Finn’s space. “I’m fine like this,” he said, and rested the back of his head against the wall again.

“Okay,” Poe said, but he still didn’t move, and he didn’t pick up his holonovel. He slid his hand onto Finn’s thigh, almost like a question.

Finn’s breath caught a little, but he didn’t pull away.

Poe kissed the side of Finn’s face, so gently. His hand tightened on Finn’s thigh. “Can I?”

Maybe Finn would like kissing Poe, as he had liked kissing Rey. Maybe kissing would be enough.

Or maybe it would be different. Maybe this time, it would be different.

Finn nodded.

For a while, it was nice. Poe’s lips were soft, like Rey’s, but it wasn’t really like kissing Rey. Kissing Rey had been spontaneous and quick and lovely, but Poe kissed with more intent. He teased, and he knew how to apply the right amount of pressure, and he used his tongue.

That was surprising, but it was… nice. Finn wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened but he wasn’t against the wall anymore; he was lying on his back with Poe settled over him, Poe’s hands on him and Poe’s mouth on his. That was okay, too.

For a while. But Finn kept waiting for something to happen, kept waiting for the moment he would _feel_ something, _want_ something more than this, but the moment didn’t come. The fact that Poe was kissing with intent grew more obvious, and Finn could feel Poe’s growing interest, and that only made Finn wonder why he didn’t feel the same, made him think that he was _wrong,_ somehow. He felt anxious, and too hot, and like he couldn’t… like he couldn’t _breathe_ , and -

“Stop,” he said, and pushed at Poe’s chest.

To his credit, Poe stopped immediately. He hovered over Finn, his hair curling over his forehead and his eyes worried. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Finn was quick to reassure him. He yanked down his shirt where Poe had rucked it up his stomach. “I just… It’s moving a bit fast.”

Poe sat back onto his heels, putting more space in between them. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… That was my fault. Sorry.”

“No,” Finn said, though he got out from underneath Poe to sit towards the edge of the bed. “No, it’s fine.” 

There was a flush in Poe’s cheeks and his mouth was wet. Finn wondered if he looked like that, too.

“Finn--”

“It was nice,” Finn said, because Poe looked awful, abashed and guilty and upset, and Finn didn’t want him to feel that way. Anyway, he wasn’t lying. It had been nice, at first. Until… Anyway. “I’m just going to get some air. Okay?”

“Okay,” Poe said hesitantly. “If you’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” Finn said, and he leaned forward so he could kiss Poe’s forehead.

Poe seemed suitably reassured by this gesture and didn’t object any further when Finn stood up and left the room. 

He wasn’t actually certain of where he should go once he left, though. He ended up wandering the corridors, nodding at a few people he passed, until he ended up near the doors leading outside. He wondered if he might just sit outside for a while. The nights were cool and he didn’t have his jacket, but he would -

An inquisitive beep interrupted Finn’s train of thought and he looked down to see BB-8 next to him. “Hey.”

The droid beeped again.

“Uh,” Finn said. These conversations went better when Poe or Rey was there to translate. “Poe’s in our quarters, if you were looking for him.”

BB-8 beeped more insistently. It sounded like there was a thread of concern in the droid’s binary speech, the sound he used when he was worried about Poe. But there wasn’t anything to worry about in regards to Poe, surely BB-8 knew that.

“Poe’s fine,” Finn said. “What’s the matter?”

“He isn’t worried about Poe. He’s worried about you.”

Finn turned to see Jess approaching them. “Me?”

When BB-8 chirped again, Jess explained, “He says that he’s sorry you’re upset and he hopes it wasn’t because of Poe, but he’s prepared to have words if it was.”

Finn found himself smiling. “Thanks, Beebee-Ate.”

The droid beeped a reply that even Finn could understand. Finn raised his gaze from the droid to Jess. Feeling the need to explain himself, he said, “It’s not Poe’s fault. If you’re wondering. Or Rey’s, either.”

“Mind if I ask whose fault it is, then?”

“It’s mine. It’s me.”

Jess brushed her fingers against Finn’s upper arm. “Want to talk about it?”

Finn shook his head. He liked Jess, but he couldn’t… There wasn’t anyone he could talk to about this.

“Well,” she said, “a bunch of us were gonna play card games. You want to come?”

That, however, sounded perfect. “Count me in.”

-

Near sunset one evening, Finn, Poe, and Rey stole out with a speeder to a lake a few klicks away from base. They had eventually settled into a contended silence, with Rey sketching on a piece of flimsi while Finn and Poe leaned side by side against the trunk of a large tree. Poe was nodding off, but his hand was still resting on Finn’s knee. 

This, this Finn could do. Be with them. Casual, thoughtless touching, sharing the easy pleasure of their company. This was all he needed to be happy.

This was something Finn wanted.

Poe had fallen asleep, which made Finn feel safe enough to gaze at him as much as he wanted. His hair was still ruffled from the wind on their trip over and he seemed somehow open and vulnerable, resting there. He looked… he looked like someone Finn could _want._ Someone Finn did want. Maybe not in the way he ought to, but did that have to matter? Wasn’t being in the Resistance, out of the hands of the First Order, about having the freedom to choose? The freedom to live the life he wanted?

Couldn’t he just have Poe, just like this, and couldn’t that be enough?

Finn looked at Rey, the sky darkened now but her face still holding the light like it always did. Or maybe it was just Finn who thought that. To him she always seemed filled with light and hope. Finn couldn’t imagine his life without her. He didn’t think he would want to live a life that she wasn’t a part of. She had saved him in a way he couldn’t entirely express and he wanted to be by her side, always.

Rey caught him looking but all she said was, “Here, I’ve finished,” and passed him the flimsi.

Oh. _Oh._ She’d drawn them, Finn and Poe, as they appeared now. Their shoulders touching, Poe’s slack hand settled on the inside of Finn’s bent leg. Rey had captured the peacefulness of Poe’s expression, but she had also… She had drawn Finn watching him, a hint of longing in his face. Surely he didn’t look like that.

Surely.

“I thought you were sketching the lake,” he said to her.

“Had a better subject,” Rey said with a grin. “Besides, it’ll embarrass Poe, which is of course my favorite thing to do.”

Finn looked at the drawing again. Honestly he thought _he_ was the one who ought to be embarrassed. Poe just looked the same he always did when he was asleep, like his face was carved out of marble or something. Like a sculpture. Finn was the one who was staring at him like a sleemo.

“I’m embarrassed,” Finn said.

“My other favorite thing to do,” Rey said unrepentantly. But she looked at Poe for a second, her features soft and relaxed, and then she looked again at Finn. “You care about him.”

“I care about you, too.”

“I know,” Rey said, looking not quite troubled, but… anxious. “That… doesn’t have to be an issue. Poe says--”

Somehow Finn knew he really didn’t want to hear what Poe said. There it was, the inevitable problem. Finn wanted Poe and Rey, but he didn’t want them in the same way they wanted him. 

He didn’t know how to make this work.

Maybe that was because it couldn’t.

“It’s getting late,” Finn interrupted. “We should head back. Beebee-Ate will be getting anxious about Poe.”

Finn gently nudged Poe, trying to wake him without startling him too much. “Poe. Poe, wake up.”

Poe hummed a little under his breath, his hand twitching against Finn’s leg. When he opened his eyes, they looked unfocused as he stared at Finn. “Huh?”

“You fell asleep,” Finn told him. 

Rey had crept over to kneel behind Finn, features filled with amusement. “You’ve been sleeping like a baby, so cute. Shame to wake you, really, but it was his idea.”

“Blast,” Poe muttered, rubbing one hand over his face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to. What time is it?”

“Past time we should be getting back,” Finn said.

That was when Poe noticed the sketch Finn was still holding. He groaned and said, “Aw, Rey.”

She beamed at him. “Like I said. So cute.”

Finn wanted to hide the flimsi before Poe got a better look at it, but it was too late. He could see the way Poe’s expression changed, softened, as he looked at it. As he looked at the likeness of Finn.

“Come on,” Finn said, getting up to cover his embarrassment. “You’ve got an overly concerned droid waiting for you, Poe.”

Rey took the flimsi back and said, “Think I’ll hang this in my quarters.”

Finn went and hid in the speeder.

-

They were drunk the night it all went wrong. Finn thought that was probably why – the small nudge of false boldness that came from a few too many swigs of Corellian brandy.

They had been passing the bottle between them, all sitting together on Poe’s bunk. Poe was telling stories, mostly at his own expense, and they were laughing. Finn loved listening to them laugh. He felt warm and safe and happy, with Rey casually touching her hand to him and Poe smiling at them both.

Finn had the brandy, and he must have had a lot of it because the voice in the back of his head that was worried about how sanitary it was to drink out of the same bottle as two other people had completely quieted. He wasn’t sure who kissed whom first, but Rey’s hand was on Poe’s cheek and his was on her waist.

He should… He should leave. He should leave them. But Rey’s other hand was on Finn’s knee and when Poe took a second to draw in a breath his gaze darted to Finn.

Finn realized this was still about him; it was about him as much as it was about them. 

_Poe says--_

Finn shifted over and Rey moved, she hooked her leg over Poe’s hips and pushed him onto his back. There was something mischievous and daring in her eyes when she looked at Finn, biting her lip, and then she was kissing Poe again. Poe tugged Rey’s hips down towards himself and his hands, his hands were everywhere, and Rey was making this… this gasping noise into Poe’s mouth.

Finn sat there and watched them and he wanted so, so desperately for this to feel right. He willed himself to want this, to want to be a part of it. 

Poe’s lips were parted and his eyes were dark with something that went beyond want, that was _need._ Rey was stretching her hand towards Finn, an offer and a question. She was hoping for him to accept. Waiting for it.

But Finn couldn’t.

Finn couldn’t pretend, not with them. Not even to make them happy. He cared about them too much to lie, to give them something that was false. They deserved better than that. 

They deserved better than him.

Finn wasn’t even sure what he was saying as he scrambled off the bed, he was mumbling something that he hoped was an explanation, an excuse. Really he was simply fleeing.

He was halfway down the corridor before he realized he was still clutching Poe’s pilfered Corellian brandy.

He drank the rest himself.

-

Finn wasn’t sure if Poe and Rey had slept together after he left. He intentionally stayed away for a long time, so that Rey was gone and Poe had already gone to bed by the time Finn returned to their quarters. He looked at Poe for a moment, his profile against the pillow in the dark room, and then simply undressed and went to bed.

In the morning when Finn woke up, Poe was gone. He’d left a note letting Finn know where he was. Finn felt an odd surge of affection in his chest, the knowledge that no matter what happened between them, Poe cared enough to make sure Finn wouldn’t worry.

Finn loved him. He wasn’t sure he’d realized before then, but he did. He loved Poe. Loved him as much as he did Rey, maybe.

He only wished that the love he could offer them was the sort of love they deserved.

-

Rey found Finn in the armory, doing some maintenance work on damaged blasters. “Hey,” she said, her smile only a bit awkward.

“Hey.”

“You’ve been busy today.”

“Just trying to help.”

“We missed you at lunch.”

Finn shrugged. “Wasn’t hungry.”

That was a lie. Finn’s stomach had been grumbling periodically for the past two hours.

Rey grabbed Finn’s hand, stilling his movements and giving him little choice but to meet her eyes. “Are you upset with us?”

“No, Rey. No, I’m not upset.”

She seemed to relax minutely, bringing her hand back by her side. “I thought… I was afraid…”

“I know,” Finn said, because he knew what she was afraid of was the same thing he was afraid of. Having ruined everything.

He could practically see her brain working to try to think of the right thing to say, but she was clearly struggling to figure out what that was because she didn’t say anything.

Finn didn’t know what to say, either.

_Did you have sex with Poe? Was it good? Was it what you wanted?_

_Am I happy for you?_

Almost as if she could read his mind, Rey said, “Poe and I talked, after you left.”

Finn was surprised by the surge of relief he felt. He was shamed by it. If he couldn’t give them what they wanted, the least he could do was be happy they could give it to each other.

But he wasn’t. He couldn’t be in the middle but he wanted to be, oh, he wanted to be.

He wanted to be normal.

“You don’t have to explain,” he told her.

“I do,” Rey said. “We had too much to drink, but that wasn’t… That wasn’t why. We wanted-- Well, I think you know what we wanted. But we only want it if it’s what you want, too.”

“I don’t know what I want,” Finn said, but that was a lie, too.

“That’s okay,” Rey said, so kindly. “We’ll still be here, when you do know.” 

She tugged the toolkit closer over to herself. “I’ll help you,” she said, and Finn knew they were as close to normal as they could be.

-

Poe came in while Finn was sitting at the console in their room, watching old holos. He hastily shut it off, hopefully before Poe noticed that the holos were of him.

If he had noticed, he didn’t say anything. His lips twitched into a quick, nervous smile and he removed his jacket, tossing it onto his bed. He followed, though he avoided actually sitting on the jacket. “Haven’t seen you all day,” he said, faking a smoothness that was only too easy for Finn to see through.

“You were busy,” Finn said. “So was I.”

“Right.”

They were both silent, and Finn wondered if he shouldn’t say something, try to clear up this mess. He wondered if he should mention that he’d spoken to Rey, and what she’d said. He wondered if Poe already knew.

In the end he didn’t need to say anything, though, because Poe said, “I’m sorry that we made you uncomfortable.”

“I wasn’t uncomfortable.”

Poe gave Finn a look that clearly said, _you’re full of shit._

“Really,” Finn said.

“I shouldn’t have pressured you.”

“You didn’t. Neither of you did. It’s fine, Poe, honestly.”

Poe still looked supremely unconvinced but he said, “Just… you’ll tell me if I’m doing something that bothers you, won’t you? Please, Finn. Tell me if I’m doing something wrong.”

Poe was so earnest and serious that Finn desperately wanted to put him at ease. “I’ll tell you,” he said, but that didn’t seem enough. It wasn’t enough. Poe had to know how Finn felt, that even if he couldn’t give Poe quite what he wanted, Finn wanted to give him as much as he could.

Finn got up and walked over to Poe’s bunk, carefully gauging Poe’s reaction. He slid onto the bed, looping an arm behind Poe’s back and resting his head on Poe’s shoulder. He felt the shudder that went through Poe, the release of tension.

Then Poe tilted his head to rest against Finn’s. Finn closed his eyes.

After a few perfect moments, Poe said, “Want to watch that old spice world drama I told you about? I can comm Rey, see if she wants to join us.”

“I’d like that,” Finn said.

Less than ten minutes later, Rey was standing in the room, the corners of her mouth tilting upwards as she looked at them. Without needing any encouragement, she flung herself onto the bed and squeezed in on Finn’s other side, snuggling against him.

It wasn’t that Finn didn’t have desires, he knew, lounging comfortably with his two favorite people in the entire galaxy. It was that his desires were decidedly less sexual in nature than most.

He longed for nothing more than this, always.

He just didn’t know if that could ever be enough for Poe and Rey.

-

Finn was supposed to be saying goodbye to Poe and Rey. The rest of Finn’s team was waiting for him on the ship. Snap had only smirked at him and told him to kiss them both and be done with it because they were on a schedule. That had led to Poe saying something rude in another language to Snap’s back, which of course only made Snap raise a dismissive hand while he kept walking.

But they did need to be quick about this. Poe and Rey were waiting for his lead, he could tell, and Finn wanted…

Honestly, he wanted to do what Snap had joked about. He wanted to kiss them goodbye. He shouldn’t be gone long but he always missed them, no matter how long they were separated, and ‘shouldn’t’ was different from ‘wouldn’t’. 

The problem was that Finn didn’t know if kissing was a good idea. He was afraid of sending mixed signals, of continuously pulling Poe and Rey towards him and then pushing them away again. For him, kissing was an end to itself, something pleasurable that didn’t need anything more, but he knew that for them kissing was often only the prelude to more.

The ‘more’ that he couldn’t give them.

Finn knew this wasn’t the time for holding back, for creating regrets. There was a war on. They all could have died any number of times since they had first been thrown together and the fact that they hadn’t didn’t change the fact that they could have. Or that they still could.

So Finn kissed them. Rey, and then Poe.

If they were surprised they didn’t let on, just hugged him tightly. Finn knew he would hold onto the sensation of them both here, in his arms, for the entire duration until he saw them again.

“Be safe,” Rey said.

“See you soon,” Poe said.

That now familiar spreading warmth was filling Finn’s chest, that mixture of affection and love and desire. “I’ll be back before you’ve even got time to miss me,” he said, and then turned and hurried away before they could see him get emotional. He ran up the ramp to the ship and didn’t let himself look back.

“You ready, kid?” Snap called from the pilot’s chair. “Made your touching farewells?”

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

Finn strapped himself in and held onto a corner of his jacket, Poe’s jacket, the jacket Finn had been holding onto like a security blanket since Jakku. It was maybe a bit worse for wear and the back of it had needed to be re-stitched with new material but he imagined that it smelled like all three of them and it was the first thing he had ever owned for himself.

It made him feel like Poe and Rey were always with him, and always would be.

-

“Beebee-Ate, you can shut it off,” Poe whispered.

Through a sleepy haze, Finn saw the holofilm switch off. BB-8 chattered softly, quieter than the sounds from the holo had been.

“Okay,” Poe said to him, and the door opened. The droid rolled out into the corridor and the door shut behind him.

Finn shifted and Poe tilted his head to see him. “Ah, I’m sorry. I was trying not to wake you.”

“Wasn’t really asleep,” Finn said, liking the press of Poe’s back against his chest. “Just dozing.”

“Still, sorry.” 

Rey was stretched out over Poe’s lap, her cheek on his thigh. Poe was gently stroking the back of his knuckles over her skin, absently. 

“Think she fell asleep within five minutes of the start,” Poe said, voice filled with fondness.

“Some companions we are tonight,” Finn said.

“Luke’s been making Rey do that thing with the rocks and the handstand again. Can’t blame her for being wiped. And you’ve only just gotten back.”

“Mission was a bust.”

“Yeah, but still. Space travel can take it out of you.”

Finn raised an eyebrow. “Weren’t you just out doing recon?”

“Sure, but you know flying only has the reverse effect on me. Makes me more wired.”

“Because you’re insane.”

“Probably. You still like me, though.”

“Yeah,” Finn said. “Yeah, I do.” He raised his hand to the back of Poe’s head, running his fingers through Poe’s soft hair. 

Poe made a pleased sound in his throat, sort of like the sound a cat would make. “I’m fine with just staying here, like this, to be honest,” he said. “Forget the holofilm.”

Finn hummed in agreement. He was tired, but he didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to appreciate this, like the quiet moments before sleep, feeling protected and cared for. He wondered what it would be like to fall asleep every night in Poe’s bed, or Rey’s bed, or, hell, his own bed, he didn’t care, just as long as they were all in it. Like this.

“It can be like this all the time,” Poe said in a low voice, barely more than a murmur. “If you want.”

“I don’t… I’m not sure what you mean.” Finn’s heart was racing in his chest, like it was pounding against his ribs.

“We can do this, just like this, the three of us. It doesn’t… It doesn’t have to be about sex, if that’s not what you want.”

Poe had shifted as much as he could without disturbing Rey, tilting his head back to have a clearer view of Finn, but Finn found he couldn’t look at him. “How can it not be?”

“Sex isn’t as important as people make it out to be, Finn. You don’t have to be afraid of it, but you don’t have to have it, either.”

“I’ve… I’ve had sex before. I just, uh, I didn’t like it.”

“I kind of thought that might be the case.”

Finn felt something that might have been relief, to have said it and for Poe not to have recoiled. “You knew?”

“I didn’t know anything,” Poe corrected him. “I suspected. I mean, I wasn’t sure if you’d ever had it, but I got the feeling you didn’t want to. “

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Don’t ever apologize, not for who you are.”

“I wish I could be--”

Poe reached up and put his finger to Finn’s lips in a ‘stop talking’ gesture. “Stop that. You’re exactly who you should be. Finn, don’t you get it? I _love_ you. Rey loves you. And this? This is perfect. There doesn’t ever have to be anything more than this. Not if you don’t want there to be.”

Finn understood what Poe was offering – an intimate relationship without sex. It was exactly what Finn wanted, now that he truly understood his own desires. But could Finn accept what Poe was offering, knowing that it meant Poe would have to give up something that he wanted? That Rey would have to give up something that she wanted? “What about what you want?”

“What I want doesn’t matter.”

“But it should. You deserve--”

“And what about what _you_ deserve?”

No one had ever cared what Finn deserved before. It hadn’t mattered; it hadn’t mattered what he wanted. Now he had Poe, and he had Rey, and they _cared._ Was it fair to ask them to sacrifice their own desires for his?

But maybe the point was that fairness didn’t even come into it. 

Maybe that was the entire point.

“I just want you,” Finn said.

Poe was smiling, beaming, really. “Good. Because I want you, and so does Rey, so that’s all good.”

“Just… Just like that?” It seemed too simple.

“Just like that. Buddy, this doesn’t have to be difficult. Sure, there are things we’ll need to work on, and figure out, and talk about. But there isn’t any need to create problems ourselves. We can do this. We can have this. If you want.”

“I do,” Finn said, fervently meaning it. “I do want this.” He was just afraid -

Seeming to sense Finn’s reservations, Poe said, “I’ve got my own hands, Finn. They’ll serve me fine, if sex is off the table.” Poe caught his lower lip between his teeth in that teasing gesture of his. “I’ve got a pretty good imagination.”

Finn thought he was blushing. He felt warm enough to be blushing, anyway.

“Then there’s Rey,” Poe said, expression more serious. “Would it bother you if we…” He trailed off, but his meaning was clear. 

After taking a few moments to consider, Finn said, “I don’t know,” because he honestly didn’t. As petty as it might have been, he had hated the idea of them being together without him, that night he’d walked out. But if he was a part of everything else? Just not the sex? He truly didn’t know.

That seemed unfair, but Poe didn’t act like it was. He only said, “We’ll figure it out, all of us. Together.”

“Yeah,” Rey murmured, still lying in Poe’s lap. “That’s why I’m wondering why you guys are talking about this without me.”

“Rey,” Finn said, aghast. 

“I thought you were asleep,” Poe said.

“I was. For a bit. Then I wasn’t.” She sat up, turning to face them but staying within the circle of Poe’s legs. There was a red mark on her cheek, an imprint from Poe’s pants.

Finn realized he wanted to kiss it.

He realized that he could.

He could.

He could have this.

“Poe is right,” Rey said. “Everything he said. We just want you to be happy, Finn. We want to make you happy. If you’re happy, we’re happy.”

 _I can have this,_ Finn thought. He leaned forward and kissed Rey’s cheek, his lips brushing the spot where she had been pressed against Poe’s thigh. Then he kissed her mouth and he said, “I am happy.”

Rey’s smile was brighter than the sun on Jakku. She almost seemed like she wanted to say something but before she could, Poe spoke up.

“Wait,” he said. “Can we go back to the part where Rey said I was right? Everyone heard that?”

“You’re such a dork,” Rey said and punched Poe in the arm.

“Who’s right about everything.”

“Kriffing hell,” Finn said and kissed Poe so he’d be quiet.

It worked even better than expected. Poe stopped talking, his expression morphing into something wondering, like he couldn’t believe his own luck.

Finn understood the feeling. He disentangled himself from his position behind Poe and then encouraged Poe and Rey to lie down with him, Rey settling in against his chest while Poe moved in behind him. He exhaled in contentment, petting Rey’s hair. Poe kissed the back of his neck.

“I can get Beebee-Ate to come back,” Poe said, his hand on Finn’s hip and Rey’s hand covering his. “We could finish the holofilm.”

“No,” Finn said. “Stay. I want to stay here, just like this.”

No one argued.

-

The next morning, when Finn woke up and Poe and Rey were still there, it felt like the best moment of his entire life. Rey had stolen all the blankets and Finn’s arm felt slightly crushed beneath Poe’s body, but he couldn’t think of any place he would rather be.

“We’re gonna have to work on this,” Poe mumbled, reaching over to grab the end of a blanket. 

Rey made a sleepy sound of protest and rolled towards them, blinking. “I was cold.”

“Really, Rey? You were cold? You’ve got not one, but two guys to snuggle with. And you still stole all the blankets.”

Finn pulled his arm out from beneath Poe and tried to rub feeling back into it. “Don’t know what you’re complaining about, you’re the one who sleeps in his underwear because he gets too hot.”

“She could’ve left me a corner,” Poe insisted. “Anyway I didn’t hear either of you complain when I took my shirt off. Or my pants.”

“Stars,” Rey said into the pillow, but all Finn could do was laugh.

-

Finn hadn’t been joking about the flower crowns. Poe was wearing one now, resting atop his dark wavy hair. Rey was making another one and Finn knew he would wear it just for the sight of her cheerful grin. Rey had spent too long alone; she deserved everything she ever wanted.

“And this is who they call the best pilot in the galaxy,” Finn said, eyeing Poe.

“Second best,” Rey said, plucking another flower from the pile on the ground beside her.

“Maybe we tie,” Poe said easily.

“And maybe Luke Skywalker still flies better than both of you,” Finn said, rolling his eyes.

“Okay, Pava.”

Rey snickered and finished weaving in the last of her flowers. She set the finished product on top of Finn’s head. “Now if only I had a holorecorder.”

“Small mercies,” Finn said, which made Poe laugh and Rey knock her fist against his shoulder.

Finn sat there in the grass and just gazed at them, letting his happiness soak in. The light from the sun made Poe’s hair shine and Rey’s skin glow, and Finn thought they were clearly the two most beautiful people who had ever lived. Obviously he was the sappiest, but that was all right; no one had to know that but him. 

Rey was leaning over to fix Poe’s crown but Poe was looking at Finn.

“I thought this would be harder,” Poe said. “When I thought about it, this sort of relationship, I thought it would be harder. I don’t know if it’s just because it’s you.”

Finn glanced at Rey, who seemed as perplexed as he was. Did he just mean because there were three of them? “What?”

“Having a relationship like this. With someone like you.” Poe clearly was indicating Finn.

“Someone like me?”

“Someone who’s asexual.”

Finn still didn’t get it. “Someone who’s what?”

Comprehension dawning on his face, Poe said, “Of course you don’t-- That’s what they call it, people who feel like you do. Asexual. I mean, not that you need a label. But that’s what it’s called.” 

Surprise didn’t even begin to cover what Finn was feeling. “There’s a term for it? You mean I’m not the only one? Other people feel like this?”

Poe’s smile was gentle. “Yeah, buddy. Lots of people.”

“Asexuality,” Finn repeated, trying out the word on his tongue.

“Not everyone’s the same, like anything else. But generally speaking, it’s how we refer to anyone who isn’t interested in having sex.”

“It’s not just me,” Finn said, still trying to make that make sense in his head. He had spent so much time thinking he was broken that it was difficult to come to terms with the idea that he wasn’t, that he wasn’t alone.

“Definitely not. First one I’ve dated though,” Poe added. “That’s all I meant.”

“So don’t be too hard on him when he makes a fool of himself,” Rey teased.

“Remind me, Rey, how many people have you dated before?”

Finn was only half-listening to their light-hearted banter. “I thought there was something wrong with me.”

Poe and Rey both looked towards him again. Poe took Finn’s face in his hands as if to ensure Finn kept eye contact with him. “There is nothing wrong with you,” he said firmly.

“You’re perfect,” Rey agreed, fiercely, as if she dared anyone to say any different.

“That might be a bit of an exaggeration,” Finn protested, trying – and likely failing – not to blush.

“You’re perfect to us.”

That, Finn decided, was probably good enough.

-

The passenger area of the ship was small, but there was a padded bench just large enough for Finn, Poe, and Rey. Rey’s head had fallen onto Finn’s shoulder as she dozed while Poe was stretched sideways over Finn’s lap, his ass only half on the bench and his arm stretched out in front of his face so that his fingers just barely brushed against Rey’s thigh.

Finn didn’t think it looked terribly comfortable, but then, he didn’t find the cockpit of an X-wing comfortable in the slightest and Poe liked that well enough. Actually, that was an understatement. The cockpit of an X-wing was Poe’s favorite place.

He should have been catching up on some rest, too, Finn knew, but he was sufficiently contented to watch his friends sleep.

Finn looked up as he heard Snap approach from the cockpit. 

Snap’s smile had the edge of a smirk in it as he looked at them. “We should be dropping out of hyperspace in about ten minutes, if you want to get these two up.”

“Okay,” Finn said, trying not to feel disappointed that he was going to have to move.

“You guys are so disgustingly happy it almost takes the fun out of teasing you,” Snap said, shaking his head and chuckling to himself. His gaze swept over them again before he muttered, “Lucky bastard,” and walked back towards the cockpit.

Finn wasn’t sure who Snap had been referring to, though given their relationship he was inclined to believe it was Poe.

Still, he thought, relishing one last moment of peace. He had two people who loved him for exactly who he was and who never asked for more than he was willing to give.

If anyone was a lucky bastard, Finn knew, it was him. 

**_End_ **


End file.
